fear (revisited).

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Let me tell you something, if you didn’t know it already:

This creative shit is hard.

Creating in itself isn’t the hard part…it’s getting over the fear. The perfectionism, the self-doubt, and the debilitating critic in your head that thinks you suck at what you do and should probably stick to your day job.

Perhaps the hardest part is accepting that your critic is might be right, and continuing to create anyway.

Take this blog, for instance. This morning I was mortified to read my last post. Honestly, I think I was on a pseudo-spiritual high when I wrote it. It was this cheesy, over-zealous piece about “pushing past fear.” It read something like, "I will dedicate this month to accepting fear when it is present; standing firm in my truth anyway, and embracing whatever happens..." 

Just…total bullshit.

What I actually wound up doing was cringing at the post a week later; panicking that someone had read it before I could intercept; and deleting almost the entire blog altogether (“the entire blog” being a measly three posts and at least ten drafts of thoughts never published.)

What’s the diagnosis, doc? Is this simply creative neuroticism at work?

The only thing that calms me in a panic like this is a “fresh start”…a.k.a, the impulsive cop-out of destroying all my flaws and mistakes, as if they (I) never existed.

Anyway, I don’t know shit about fear. I don’t have any profound, transcendent wisdom to impart…just the first hand experience of fear as a maddening state to create in (and grapple with every day, for that matter).

What I do know is that I’m reaching a breaking point…whatever that looks like. Today it looked like deleting two-thirds of my blog and writing a shameless shitpost about it.